Wednesday, April 13, 2011

One Year

It's been one year since my Mom passed.
I was thinking about it yesterday. I looked at the clock and realized that one year ago at that time my mom and I were spending her last few hours on this earth together. I was holding my mom's hand for the last time. I gave her a final kiss. And I said goodbye.
Not forever. But for the time being.
Until we meet up again in heaven.
Knowing that we share the same faith, we both love our Savior, we have both been saved by grace and that we will be reunited once again. We will stand together before our Lord and rejoice.
This gives me comfort.

However, I'm still human, and I'm still vulnerable. And I still ache and hurt with the pain of losing my mother. Time does not heal all wounds. Whoever came up with that saying? No amount of time will make the loss go away nor will I ever miss her less. My mom will still be gone. And I will still miss her. And does anyone really ever stop grieving? I don't think so. I think you just learn how to live with it. You do not "get over it". Rather you learn how to create a new normal for yourself. And you slowly become able to smile more often than cry.

I have been reading through a book called: The Grief Recovery Handbook. I have learned many valuable things on this journey. How many times do you hear people say, "I know just how you feel" after you've lost someone? The truth is, no one can possibly know how you feel. All relationships are unique. Just because you lost your mom and I lost my mom, does mean that we know how each other must feel. We may have some general idea, but our experiences are profoundly individual.

Here's another truth:
Our entire lives we are taught how to acquire things. We are never taught what to do when we lose them.
Let that sink in a minute.

Well I could go on and on with bits of wisdom from this book. I still have a little ways to go before I'm finished reading it. Maybe I'll be able to share it all at some point.

But for now ...

... aren't these pansies beautiful? My mom loved pansies. She always made sure to help me plant some at each place I've lived. I was looking up the language of flowers and learned that pansies are actually the flower of remembrance.

Fitting isn't it?

1 comment:

Kristen said...

I remember this time last year. I have no words of wisdom for you (though it seems like that book does). Just know that I love you and am here for you, praying for you. You had a wonderful mother.